How not to apply for a job

When work gets hectic, it is often the little laughs that get us through the day. Quite unfortunately really, one of the things that surprisingly often make me laugh is job applications. It is amazing how many people apply for jobs with resumes and application letters that look like they've been put through the Google translator. Because I'm a bit of a language nazi and find pleasure in other people's mistakes (yes, I know, I'm evil), I started collecting some of the funny excerpts from resumes. And because I'm sure you can all do with a little laugh, and in the hope that your sense of humour is at least partly as twisted as mine, I'm pleased to share this little list of "How not to apply for a job" with you:

Opening Statements
I’m a reliable person, unless I’m working at my other job.
I am possible to work anytime.
I am a hard worker. I've tried to work all the time.
I have very good altitude.
I can work in any position.
I am friendly and well manured.
I have no experience in the workplace.
I am hard working, punctual, dedicated and attitude. I hope an answer.
Position applying for: staff
So, if you train me being patient, then I will work for your company with strong passion.
If you give me a chance to work for you I will do my best whatever these are very hard.
If you choice my resume, when I will my best.
It is never too old to learn, so I think that people should have the various learning all the time.
I am enterprising, I have excellent relationship and potential for obtain goal.
By my grand moral qualities I consider myself and able candidate for answer with quality to yours expectations.
I love my job and I'm very serious.
Thanks for spending the time on my resume. I am looking for your response.





Objectives
To utilize my skills and abilities to adapt too many working conditions.
I want to experience everything.

Skills and tasks accomplished
Helping Out with Dish Person
Body piercing
Smoke orders
Suggestive selling
Help Children to bowl and get involved
Caring to cliental who have passed out
Up-selling wet and dry products
Excellent food prepare skills- Excellent communicate skills- Excellent compuuter skills
I have experience in an office environment with answer phones, typing, i good communication skills and booking appointments.
I am also excellent English skill.
I can work even on weekends, so please touch with me if you're looking for a reliable worker.
I have experience in sales, waiting staff and make drinks and look for job.
Concentrating on customer satisfaction, enjoyment and their personal needs.
I was arrange party and meeting meals.
Responsible for got order from guests.
Responsible for take care guests in the pool.

E-mail addresses
roadkillpuppy@domainname
Kingofprocrastination@domainname
im_a_nerd@domainname
bludger@domainname
booze_hag@domainname

Interests
Facing challenges
Love the party atmosphere. Love all of life’s recreational activates.