Not smoking kills me tonight

I haven't smoked a single cigarette in the last three weeks. Could I please have a little round of applause? That would do my poor suffering soul a world of good, because I am in pain tonight.

The thing is, I was never a heavy smoker. I was an occasional social smoker for years and even at the worst of times I would usually only smoke a few cigarettes a day. Apart from the occasional big night out where I would go a bit over the top. But I've been thinking. I'm turning thirty next year and apparently that makes people think. I figured it might be a good idea to stop smoking before I'm thirty. To be honest, I don't know how the hell smoking and turning thirty are related, but my little brain somehow made the connection and I went along with it.

Actually, more than the turning thirty thing, it was probably the fact that I woke up about three weeks ago and felt like I had eaten an ashtray the night before, which is not a good feeling. And I wouldn't usually get that. I thought to myself, enough is enough. So I didn't smoke that day. And then I got sick and didn't smoke for another week. And then I thought, what the hell, I might go along with this for a bit.

Apparently people are over the physical addiction in a few days. But the head is the problem. I notice how much I miss all the little rituals I had. Sitting with Michelle before we go to bed and having a little debrief of the day with a glass of red wine and a cigarette. Rewarding myself after two hours of studying with a cigarette break. Sitting on a table in the sun, reading the newspaper with a cup of coffee and a cigarette. Sigh.

I haven't been saying to people or even to myself "I quit". I'm kind of just going along with this, saying that I'm having a break and see what happens. Maybe this is a bit like my current commitment phobia, where I get into a relationship but refuse to call it that. I'm not smoking at the moment but I don't call it quitting in order to leave myself the backdoor open so I could smoke again without feeling like I'm a failure. Which, I admit, is terrible, and please feel free to tell me what a low kind of person I am. But at least I'm not smoking at the moment, which I figure is better than nothing. And I have been so strong, you would be proud of me. Sitting around with a bunch of smoking friends without batting an eye lid. While inside, I was crying.

But I tell you what. I would kill for a cigarette tonight. I'm trying to study and I'm so desperate for a cigarette break that I'm considering smoking my pencil. God help me.