Letting it all out

It's been an emotional few days back in Switzerland, but I'm glad to be here. The thing is, the emotions that are coming to the surface at the moment are not being created by me being in Switzerland- they are around anyway, but they seem to be coming out a lot easier here where I'm surrounded by old memories. It's a good thing though, I'm glad I'm doing the emotional thing back here in my old hood, with my mum's shoulder to cry on. It feels more natural and I'm letting it all out. It's easier to grieve with other people who are sad also. I think I would feel quite alien if I was in Australia without my family right now and with not a soul who has known my grandmother, going through an isolated grieving process by myself. Maybe the sadness wouldn't even come out as much, as I wouldn't give it any time or place and instead run around chasing my tail and working my ass off. And then, who knows, maybe it would come out in bits and pieces in really inappropriate moments and completely throw me out.

The funeral last Thursday was sad, but also strangely beautiful. My skin was very thin the whole day and I felt like everyone's emotions floated right through me. The sadness gripped me early in the morning and put its heavy arms around me already before breakfast. I was trying to put on some make-up but had to give up because the tears would wash away every attempt of it- so I decided to go with a naked face and a vulnerable heart. It was a good day, with something very gentle and soft about it. All my family was there, including some cousins I had not seen for years. I had written a poem for my grandmother the night before, and my mother read it out in church. I had known before that I wouldn't be in the position to read it myself, but I didn't expect my mother to be able to do it. She was quite amazing. At the funeral of her own mother, she was strong as a rock and being the oldest of the siblings, she naturally assumed the role of the matriarch. She made sure everyone was comfortable, had someone to talk to, enough to eat and a hug if they felt like one. I felt strangely connected that day to all those people who happen to be my extended family, but who I don't see very often. I was glad to be there.