Happy birthday to me.

Ok, kids. Today is the last day of me being a twenty-something. The plan is to fly to Ireland tomorrow morning and celebrate my birthday in absolute style at a music festival there. I'm so excited, I think I might pee my pants. Actually, bugger that- I guess I'm too old for that now. Now that I'm all grown up and stuff. I'm so proud of myself.

Surely I must be the only person in the world who cannot wait to turn thirty. I heard stories of people who told all their friends to dress in black on their 30th birthday, because it was a sad day. Me, on the other hand, I'm frenetic. Bring it on baby, yeah!

Excuse me, but I'm a bit stupid.

I just had a call from some government office in relation to some red tape issue, which is of no further interest here. What is not only remarkable though, but also quite infuriating is how difficult some of these people are to talk to. Our conversation went something like this:

Woman: I see here that you studied journalism in Australia.

Me: That's right.

Woman: So what kind of diploma would that give you?

Me: A university diploma in journalism. I have a bachelor of journalism.

Woman: What would that translate to in Switzerland?

Me: Well, the same. It's a university degree, like in Switzerland.

Woman: So you studied at university?

Me: That's right.

Woman: How long for?

Me: Four years.

Woman: Ok... I'm just trying to find out what your highest level of completed education is.

Me: It's... a university diploma. A bachelor. They are the same all over the world, really.

Woman: And you don't know what that would be in Switzerland?

Me: I'm not sure I understand your question. I have a bachelor, which is a universally acknowledged diploma. I don't know how else I can explain that.

Woman: Do you have another paper that would show the connection? (She has a a copy of my university diploma)

Me: Only the one that you already have.

Woman: So your highest level of completed education in Switzerland is high school?

Me: Yes. But I have a university degree from Australia.

Woman: You didn't do another diploma in Switzerland?

Me: No.

Woman: Ahem... ok. I will try to see what I can do with this information. It's just a bit difficult, these things.

Me: Sure. Good luck with that.

Guess

what I'm doing for my 30th birthday on the weekend.

Dear doctor, please help me.

I have this problem. I am completely and utterly incapable of going to bed early. Don't ask me why, I really have no idea, but I'm guessing it must either have something do to with my childhood maybe (universal excuse no.1 for pretty much everything, but starting to get a bit old now) or it might be some illness. I'd say that's what it is, and surely there must be a name for it too. I might have to google that.

It really is quite bad, and I think it's getting worse. I've always been more of a night person, but now it's just getting ridiculous. Take for example tonight. I got home at 11.30pm after the movies, which is pretty early for me. Now I could have just gone to bed then, for example. Or, alternatively, I could stay up until 1am, which is now, and carry on like a fool and do nothing of value. Not even the fact I have to get up early the next day would cause me to go bed at a reasonable time. When people yawn at 10pm and say that they should really hit the sack now because they need to get up the next day at 7am, I look at them as if they were some kind of a freak. Which more than likely they probably are, but that's besides the point here. More to the point is probably the fact that I am a freak. But at least there is hope for me- because illnesses usually have a cure, right? Ok, well, let me just google that now. It should only take me an hour or so, and then I promise I'll go to bed.

Listen and learn.

I regularly buy myself flowers. I figure I deserve it, and if nobody else is going to get me some, well, then I guess I will just have to do it myself, right? I have a bunch in my lounge room and a couple of flowers in my bedroom at almost all times. I know, it's a cliché, the girl who loves flowers, and I'm probably going to come over all sweet and girlie now and ruin my reputation as a strong and independant woman, but I'm an absolute sucker for flowers. They make me happy. Basically, you give me flowers, preferably regularly, I will love you forever. I think that's a pretty sweet deal.

Flowers are definitely the cheapest and easiest way to win a girl's heart, and I don't understand why guys don't use this trick much more often. Most girls I know absolutely melt even just at the sight of a petal and yet men just do not take advantage of the situation. It's like they have this massive ace in their sleeve and just prefer not to use it, "nah, I can't be bothered getting the ace out, I'll be alright just with my shithouse hand of cards here, thanks." I just don't get it.

One of my ex-boyfriends once told me that he is embarrassed to buy flowers, which still makes me laugh. He was a sweetheart and pretty confident generally, but that must have had something to do with his childhood, right? I mean, embarrassed to buy flowers- there has got to be a therapy or something for that. Come to think of it, he was also embarassed to buy condoms, which I could never understand either. I used to say to him, "what are you embarrassed about? The fact that people know you have sex? Jesus, that really is embarrassing. Maybe you should tell the checkout lady that you are only buying them for a friend."

A man who buys flowers automatically gets a hundred bonus points in most girls' books and moves up into an entirely different category of men. It's like, "yeah, he is smart and interesting and funny and cute"- "that's great"- "and he buys me flowers"- "Oh my God! I am so jealous!" So listen and learn, boys. And don't tell me you couldn't use the hundred extra points. Honestly.

I know it's silly, but I can't help it.

When I try to get lots of things done and ticked off a to-do list and I end up doing something that wasn't on the list, I add it on afterwards and tick it off. And then I give myself a little pat on the shoulder. I know it's quite strange, but it makes me feel like I've been really efficient.

Not so loud please, Mr birdie.

You know how we were talking about the yin and yang and the birds singing after the storm and all that just the other day?

Well, it just so happens that my world seems to be lightening up again. I can feel many good things coming my way. And to start it off, I just got the job I really, really wanted as a journalist for a newspaper. So if someone could please tell those bloody birds to keep it down a little bit, some of us want to sleep.

Come on, you know you want to.

Or would you prefer one of those cute kittens over there?

Tree times as smart

When I sit at my desk in my new place and look out of the window, I see this big beautiful pine tree. Which is a great thing not only because it's a pleasant sight. But also because it is apparently scientifically proven that girls who grow up with a tree in front of their window will end up being more intelligent than girls who look out onto concrete.

I know, I know, I might be stretching the terms "girl" and "growing up" just a tiny little bit, but honestly, let's not get bogged down with the details. Anyway, I think at 29, I can easily still classify as a girl (and even when I turn 30, thank you very much), plus I don't feel all grown up yet, so the tree can't hurt in any case. I did also, by the way, grow up with a pear tree in front of my window when I was a little girl. Not that I'm trying to insinnuate anything here.

We know.

A lifetime of happiness! No man alive could bear it; it would be hell on earth.

George Bernard Shaw said this once, and may I concur: the man's got a point. The thing is though, we all know it. We heard the Yin and Yang stuff, and we know about the silver lining of the dark cloud and that birds sing after the storm. And to top it off, we've done it all before, we fought, we worried, we hurt, we were pissed off, we thought it would never end, but it always did somehow. It always got better at some stage and we looked back at how lost we were before and thought, Jesus, thank God that's over.

So yeah, we know it all, but deep down, we still wish we could have the Yang without the Yin, the silver lining without the cloud, and the birds without the storm. We know it's stupid and that we should be careful what we wish for, but we secretly want hell on earth: a lifetime of happiness.